


I can't fight this feeling

by mirambella



Series: Chalex week 2020 [5]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: American Football, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, College, Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25649050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirambella/pseuds/mirambella
Summary: Chalex week day 6: jealousyTwo sides of the same feeling.Charlie is worried about a ghost from the pastAlex is worried about a present angel.Love make you act like an idiot.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Estela de la Cruz/Tyler Down
Series: Chalex week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851190
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37
Collections: Chalex Week 2020





	I can't fight this feeling

“ _I'm jealous of the rain_  
 _That falls upon your skin_  
 _It's closer than my hands have been_  
 _I'm jealous of the rain…”_  
Labyrinth

Charlie

  
Alex was gone for more than one month and Charlie was, well, OK. Just, not really. He missed him so much, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be “that guy” so he held everything inside and smiled every time he face timed Alex, excited about everything his boyfriend was saying about college.   
And then, a sentence abandoned Alex’ lips and worried Charlie for no reason. 

  
“ I’ve seen Winston. ”

  
“Oh” That wasn’t a proper answer, and Charlie knew. 

  
“ I mean… not like on purpose. He is going to the art and photography school in San Francisco and just happened to enter the coffee shop where I work. ”

  
“Oh” He needed to stop saying that “ Is he OK? “

  
“ Yes, I suppose he is. He… changed. “

  
Charlie didn’t like that turn of events. But he didn’t want to be mean either. 

  
“ He is more relaxed. I think he acknowledged the mistakes of the past and it is more focus.” Continued Alex. “I just…. I know it is nothing but I didn’t want you to find out at some point from another person. I don’t know. “

  
“ I miss you “ Charlie recognised. “ And I trust you. I shouldn’t tell you who you can see or not, and you don’t owe me explanations, but I’m glad you told me. “

  
“ You are so sweet. I miss you too, Charles"

  
From that moment, Alex was kind of informing Charlie everytime he saw Winston in any way. Charlie understood that they had a pending conversation and wasn’t going to make a deal of that. As he told him, he trusted Alex. 

  
But, karma is a bitch apparently and one Saturday evening, when he was grabbing a coffee at Monet’s he turned to see Winston behind him in the queue. So, they had to wait for their coffee together.

  
“ So, you’re here. “ That was obvious. Charlie felt like an idiot. 

  
“ I think so? “ Winston wasn't too harsh. 

  
“ Yes, sorry ”

  
“ Look” Winston was almost laughing and damn it, he was so attractive when his expression wasn’t frowned. “ I can see you want to ask something… I’m alone. Why don’t we seat together and I answer to you. You look on the edge of a cliff. “

  
Charlie felt so embarrassed but sat with Winston anyway. They didn’t know each other, really, but since him and Alex had that conversation after Justin’s funeral, Alex was just being fair about him. He considered Winston a good and caring person, after all.

  
“ I never told you, well… Thank you for what you did for Alex last summer” Charlie started the conversation.

  
“ I’m impulsive, but, I suppose he didn’t deserve to go to prison after all. You had enough of that. I believe you’re a good guy, Charlie. I never hated you, but you have something inside. I think Alex told you everything, isn’t it? “

  
“ I trust him. ” He clarifies.

  
“ But you don’t trust me. “

  
“ I don’t really know you. And I will be lying if I say I never felt bad for taking the opportunity you left. You helped me. I had a crush on Alex since Christmas but I didn’t think he liked guys. So, thank you for that, and sorry. It wasn’t my intention to take advantage of your break up. It just happened. “

  
“ And you’re worried because we are hanging out again. “

  
“ I don’t want to” be worried. Charlie almost pouted. “They say that where there is fire…. I don’t know. He is in college. He should be enjoying his new life and having new experiences. Sometimes I think we should have opened our relationship.” He looks down “ I love him like crazy but… I don’t want to cut his wings. That will kill me, but I would do anything to make him happy and don’t lose him “

  
He was conferring his darkest thoughts to Winston, not because he was easy to trust, but because they were overflowing him and he needed to take that out of his chest.

  
“ Charlie” Winston’s voice was calmed, almost kind “ I’m not the healthiest person. I loved a rapist and a bully. I saw the good in him. Alex made me think that I deserved something better. It was fucked up because the reason I did it, well, it was not the best. And I’m glad we could meet and fix everything but he loves you. You know he is not the most open person about his feelings with he loves you so much it makes me jealous”

  
Charlie blushed. He was the one that was acting like a jealous boyfriend for no reason.

  
“ I’m an idiot. ”

  
“ It happens when you love someone. I can’t blame you. Just, you need to know its gonna be other guys flirting and trying thinks with Alex. He is attractive, smart and funny.”

  
“ I know. As I said, I really trust him, but I don’t know why I thought you… “ 

  
“ Well, for your information… I’m gonna be around Alex a lot .“ Charlie panicked “ Because I’m dating his roommate. “ Winston was laughing, relaxed “ What a casualty it was. I fix things with Alex and meet the sweetest, hottest guy on the way”  
Charlie’s face turned white as a sheet of paper. He was worried about… nothing. 

  
“ Congratulations. ” He blurted. 

  
“ Thank you. ”

  
That’s how Charlie understood that jealousy is pointless. 

Alex

  
It was almost the end of the football season, so Alex wouldn’t miss that game for nothing in the world (not even finals). November bought bad memories, however seeing Charlie after three weeks was worth it.   
It was also a surprise. He was a really good liar. 

  
Alex came to the field last minute, so the bleachers were almost full and the players were running outside. There was no possible way for Charlie to have seen him. He waited alone. Tyler and Estela knew about his plan but he was joining them once the match was starting. The view was quite clear. He could check on Charlie without him noticing.

  
And what he saw, well, it made him a little bit nervous. Charlie had his helmet in one hand and he was smiling, probably excited about the match, when a small blonde girl approached him and hug him fervently.   
Alex didn’t want to worry. That was stupid. He trusted Charlie. 

  
She was a cheerleader. That’s not what Cheerleaders do? They support the team before every game. They make them feel important, popular and all those things Alex never cared about.   
They date the quarterback. 

  
He joined Tyler and Stella in the bleachers. 

  
“ Hey” his friend greeted him “ I think he hasn’t seen you. “ 

  
“ I suppose. He was busy with all the energy and display of love. ”

  
“ Your boyfriend is famous. “ Stated Estela “ But don’t worry too much. When he sees you, he is gonna lift you and kiss you til you’re senseless”

  
Tyler rose his eyebrow. 

  
“ You read too many romantic novels. “ Her boyfriend was smiling fondly. 

  
Alex really wanted to fix his gaze on the game, but his eyes couldn’t leave the attractive blonde. She was petite, pretty and sweet and the cheerleader uniform made her look like a model.

  
He couldn’t compare. He was a boy after all, however his mind was tricking him as always. Reminding him he was broken, non athletic , popular for the wrong reasons, once depressed.

  
Charlie loved football, and Alex loved Charlie but he didn’t really understand the game, or participated in the crazy team traditions.  
Half time came and Tyler touched his arm. 

  
“ Alex” He almost whispered. “ Do you want anything? I’m buying hot dogs. "

  
“ A bottle of water. I plan to take Charlie to a diner afterwards. Thank you, Ty”

  
He looked at the short grass again. Some of the girls were playing around with the players. Maybe, most of them were dating someone from the team. Charlie was sitting in one of the benches while rehydrating himself. The blonde approached him and they started a conversation. 

  
“ Her name is Katie. She looks like a Katie. Doesn’t she? “ He completely forgot about Estela, who was looking at him and then at the couple. They were smiling at each other.

“ I’m not gonna lie. She is interested in Charlie. I can see. I’m a girl, after all. She is a junior now, quite popular”

  
Alex sighed under his breath. 

  
“ But you don’t need to worry, because he just talks about you. All the time. Some days I have to tell him off. I don’t really need the details “ 

  
Alex blushed. 

  
“ He will never cheat on me. I know that. But sometimes, I feel he could do better”

  
“ That is not your decision to make. ”

  
Estela had a point. Charlie chose him. He did even after he pushed him and doubted his reasons for liking him. 

  
“ _I have an excellent taste_ ” He had said.

  
The match was finished and they jumped and celebrate. The cheerleaders ran to the field to dance and pat the boys’ arms with joy. Katie walked straight to Charlie and kissed his cheek. 

  
The quarterback didn’t want to push her but looked uncomfortable enough. He excused himself to walk to the corridor and hide in the showers, when he saw Alex. 

  
He was standing beside Tyler, clapping and smiling, but his face looked distressed, like he was holding something. 

  
He greeted him, rising his hand, and tried to tell him to wait at the entrance. Alex didn’t want to leave with the crowd so he said goodbye to Tyler and Estela and waited til the bleachers were empty. 

  
There were some guys flirting with the cheerleaders in the parking lot, or just talking between them when he left. He waited by Charlie’s car. 

  
His boyfriend was radiant. Alex wanted to forget the doubts and the probable jealousy that took over him just by looking at Charlie. He had changed into a blue polo shirt that suited his arms and highlighted his eyes and was wearing his letterman jacket on top. 

  
“ Surprise! “ Alex tried to sound confident enough, then Charlie hugged him. He wouldn’t give up on that feeling that easily. 

  
“ You, liar. You got me, cheeky boy” Charlie kissed his lips softly. 

  
“ I wouldn’t have missed this game for nothing. It is important to you. ”

  
“ Your grades are important to me too. “ He was so kind.

  
Alex wanted to bring the conversation out but didn’t know how. He got help somehow.   
Katie was leaving with a group of friends. He looked at Charlie and Alex before turning to their car. Charlie nodded and said goodbye to the girls. 

  
“She likes you” pointed Alex “ You know that. ”  
“ I suppose you were on the bleachers. He treats me different from the rest of the guys. I noticed. She didn’t cross any boundaries, Alex” Charlie sounded serious “ She cares and I think she has a crush, but I’m not doing anything about it apart from being myself. “ 

  
“ I know that your personality can bring some misunderstandings and I don’t want to change you. It is just… I’m not confident, and I believe you when you say you love me, but I can’t help thinking that you could be with someone better. A person with no issues, or regrets. I told you, one part of me will always be sad, and I had depression and a brain injury, and I tried to kill myself and that might come back and fuck your life. ”

  
“ Or I can make a mistake and fuck your life. I’m not perfect, Alex. I was an asshole last year and I could be mentally unstable in the future. My mum died and I didn’t speak with anybody for months. Don’t idealize me, please. ”

  
Alex looked down, but Charlie wasn’t finished. He was a fighter. 

  
“ I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, or in two weeks. Yes, I appreciate the attention and I may look at someone attractive, but you are the only one I want to kiss, love and wake up with. And when we are apart, my heart aches, and when I see you it stops and comes back to live in one second, because you take my breath away. Just you, Alexander Standall. I can’t quiet the voices in your head, but I’m here. And I love you, for thousands of reasons. “

  
“ You never fail to surprise me “ Alex laughed.“ I came here because I missed you. I want you, Charles” he huged his boyfriend adjusting his head in Charlie’s shoulder. “ I was going to suggest dinner at Macy’s” 

Charlie smiled, bright as the moon. 

  
“ You know me too well. I’m so hungry” Charlie caressed Alex’s cheek with one finger. “ I think you should know I don’t really like cheerleaders, never have. It is so obvious they need to feel attracted to us. It is even boring. I prefer people who play hard, like hide and seek. Sarcastic but weirdly cute people. Do you know anybody like that? “

  
“ Shut up, St George. ”

  
For that night, Alex was sure about the future. His sad nature would make an appearance at some point, but just gazing at Charlie’s eyes he knew. What they had was strong. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This is my farewell (as I'm not participating tomorrow).  
> I hope you enjoyed. I did and I feel I improved a lot with language just this week


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